• “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
• “The gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train isn’t coming.”
• “He’s so dense, light bends around him.”
• “The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.”
• “He’s got the whole six-pack but lacks the plastic thingy holding it all together.”
• “Since my last report, the employee reached rock bottom and began to dig.”
• “He would argue with a signpost.”
• “If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.”
• “Takes an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.”
• “If he were any more stupid he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
• “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”

Don’t let this happen to you. Please follow the suggestions we made here yesterday.

Got any performance evaluation nightmares you’d like to share? Feel free to leave a comment below. And for more on this topic, check out this rather interesting item entitled Performance Reviews: Sometimes They’re Like Bad High School Movies.

If you don’t measure the right things the right way, you’ll encourage the wrong behavior, get trounced by your competitors and probably find yourself in court defending discrimination lawsuits.

Here’s a simple “evaluation evaluation” to help you assess the performance of your performance appraisals.

EVALUATION EVALUATION

Rate your company’s performance evaluation process in each of the following areas (1-10 points):

1. Rating criteria are tied to true customer-focused competitive differentiators specific to each position (versus purely internal-focused and one-size-fits-all).
   Score: ____
2. Rating categories are weighted based on importance (versus all are treated equally).
   Score: ____
3. Objectives are clear and measurable (versus vague and subjective).
   Score: ____
4. Evaluators give candid, honest feedback (versus sugarcoating).
   Score: ____
5. Ratings truly differentiate among employees (versus most get the same score).
   Score: ____
6. Performance input is obtained from multiple sources, including subordinates, peers, managers and key customers (versus manager only).
   Score: ____
7. The evaluation measures both the what (results) and the how (behavior, collaboration, people management and ethics).
   Score: ____
8. Progress versus objectives is part of a regular on-going discussion with employees (versus a form-based one-time-only annual meeting).
   Score: ____
9. Top executives use the system (versus ignore it or do their own).
   Score: ____
10. Performance evaluations are closely linked with incentives, promotions and terminations.
    Score: ____

OK, now total up your points. Here’s your official rating:

• 0-30 points: Deficient (bankruptcy and class action lawsuits imminent)
• 31-50: Needs Improvement (bankruptcy/lawsuits highly likely)
• 51-65 points: Mediocre (bankruptcy/lawsuits likely)
• 66-80 points: Good (bankruptcy/lawsuits unlikely)
• 81-100 points: Outstanding ($$$ and happiness highly likely)

For more on performance-related issues, I highly recommend The Differentiated Workforce by Dick Beatty and others. And here’s a Forbes piece on the top 10 mistakes bosses make in evaluating performance.

• “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
• “The gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train isn’t coming.”
• “He’s so dense, light bends around him.”
• “The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.”
• “He’s got the whole six-pack but lacks the plastic thingy holding it all together.”
• “Since my last report, the employee reached rock bottom and began to dig.”
• “He would argue with a signpost.”
• “If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.”
• “Takes an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.”
• “If he were any more stupid he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
• “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”

Don’t let this happen to you. Please follow the suggestions we made here yesterday.

Got any performance evaluation nightmares you’d like to share? Leave a comment below or shoot me an e-mail at blawg@na.manpower.com.

Simply put, if you don’t measure the right things the right way, you’ll encourage the wrong behavior, get trounced by your competitors and probably find yourself in court defending discrimination lawsuits.

Here’s a simple “evaluation evaluation” to help you assess the performance of your performance appraisals.

EVALUATION EVALUATION

Rate your company’s performance evaluation process in each of the following areas (1-10 points):

1. Rating criteria are tied to true customer-focused competitive differentiators specific to each position (versus purely internal-focused and one-size-fits-all).
   Score: ____
2. Rating categories are weighted based on importance (versus all are treated equally).
   Score: ____
3. Objectives are clear and measurable (versus vague and subjective).
   Score: ____
4. Evaluators give candid, honest feedback (versus sugarcoating).
   Score: ____
5. Ratings truly differentiate among employees (versus most get the same score).
   Score: ____
6. Performance input is obtained from multiple sources, including subordinates, peers, managers and key customers (versus manager only).
   Score: ____
7. The evaluation measures both the what (results) and the how (behavior, collaboration, people management and ethics).
   Score: ____
8. Progress versus objectives is part of a regular on-going discussion with employees (versus a form-based one-time-only annual meeting).
   Score: ____
9. Top executives use the system (versus ignore it or do their own).
   Score: ____
10. Performance evaluations are closely linked with incentives, promotions and terminations.
    Score: ____

OK, now total up your points. Here’s an official evaluation of your evaluation evaluation:

• 0-30 points: Deficient (bankruptcy and class action lawsuits imminent)
• 31-50: Needs Improvement (bankruptcy/lawsuits highly likely)
• 51-65 points: Mediocre (bankruptcy/lawsuits likely)
• 66-80 points: Good (bankruptcy/lawsuits unlikely)
• 81-100 points: Outstanding ($$$ and happiness highly likely)

For more on performance-related issues, I highly recommend The Differentiated Workforce by Dick Beatty and others (Harvard Business Press 2009).