Don’t ignore me!
Please know that the worst thing you can do when someone is ill or dealing with a loss is to ignore them. While you might be a bit uncomfortable and not know the exact right thing to say, avoiding the issue just makes it worse.
Trust me — once you’ve broken the ice and acknowledged ‘the elephant in the room,’ everyone (including you) will be more comfortable. And who knows what the exact right thing to say is?
Try these:
- “I heard about your illness (or your loss). I’m so sorry.” (That’s enough. No need to babble.)
- “Whatever you need, don’t hesitate to ask. In fact, I will be flattered if you ask me for help!”
- If possible, offer specific suggestions for help: “Can I drive you somewhere?” “Would you like some company this afternoon?” “What’s your favorite meal? Is tonight okay for me to drop it off?” “Do the dogs need walking?”
- “I can’t tell you everything will be all right — because I can’t promise that. But I can promise that you will handle whatever you have to face.”
- “I’m here for you — no matter what!”
My biggest fear is that others will be afraid to face me, will ignore me or avoid me. I’m confident that other people in my situation feel the same way. So take the plunge — face your fears and face your friend in need.
P.S. And it’s okay to cry!
August 4th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Hi Melanie;
I certainly don’t want to ignore you. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I know that your franchise friends are thinking about you too.
I value our friendship and I wish you the best.
-Mike Dourgarian
August 5th, 2009 at 7:17 am
Dear Mike: Thanks for your comment. Your concern and support are important to me.
August 5th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Melanie,
Thank you for helping us understand how we can help. There’s nothing worse than seeing people we care about go through a difficult time and not know what to say or do.
It’s also interesting to see the increasingly important role social networking is playing in keeping people connected during times of personal challenge. I have a cousin many thousands of miles away who is recovering from a serious illness. Her Mom is keeping us all informed by posting status updates on Facebook. My aunt is in her 70′s and has learned how to reach out using a tool that is brand new to her and probably one that she never considered tapping.
Sending this with warmest wishes for your health.
Susan.
August 6th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Melanie – thank you for this post. I think it’s also worth noting that the person suffering with illness (or loss) may not know what to say either. Sometimes just sitting silently together is all the comfort both people will need. I’ve often found this to be true in my own case.
You remain in my thoughts.
Andrea
August 6th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Thank you for sharing and helping us all. I agree with Susan that some of the new social networking tools can be so beneficial for all to stay informed and in touch. We all care about you very much and we are here for you!
August 28th, 2009 at 5:01 am
[...] few weeks ago — in Don’t Ignore Me – I blogged with advice on dealing with someone who is seriously ill. I have a few more bits [...]